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Of course I think I'm hot.

Oct 7, 2017

“We get it, you think you’re hot!” An ex of mine cheekily DM’s me this after I’ve just posted a selfie showing off my new haircut and bright ass highlight, both of which could be described as “poppin” on that day.
Yes, I think I’m hot, of course I do. I wouldn’t have posted the selfie if I didn’t. I see nothing wrong with thinking I’m hot, it’s actually something that I cultivate very carefully. Because thinking I’m hot is not really a given any moment, any day. Of course it isn’t. I’m not Beyoncé, after all.
So I celebrate liking myself extra on some days. I document it, I take photos, I post them on the internet for people to see, and yes, there are people who see something wrong with that. I see why they would, too.
Not that long ago, somebody accused me of conceitedly prancing around on the internet and shoving how great I think I am down everybody’s throats. Apparently, because I do that, I can’t have insecurities or else anything I post about actually liking myself is a lie. It’s absolute, black or white, to that person.
It isn’t to me. Again, of course I have days where I honestly fucking hate myself, when I look in the mirror and see only “wrongs”, when I want to lose tons of weight or have a different bone structure altogether. Of course I do. (There’s also days when I haven’t showered, brushed my hair or even dressed myself and actually look like shit, but that’s not really an attitude thing.) I don’t think I know anyone who never, never ever feels badly about themselves for even just one second.
The thing is: I don’t want those negative feelings to be the ones that dictate what I do to my body on a daily basis. I don’t want them to dictate what I eat, my exercise or my mood. I don’t want one day, even just one moment, of feeling ugly or fat (or all those other nasty words) to become the norm. Because that’s not fun and it’s not healthy.
When I was younger, I thought negatively about myself all the time. I wasn’t as “pretty” or “petite” as other girls and that made me sad. Being sad is fucking awful, especially if you really have no reason to. The internet gave me a place to find out that I was actually completely fine. It gave me the resources to understand that bodies are different, and they’re supposed to be. It let me see other girls who were built differently than what fashion designers or magazine editors thought they should be. And they were rocking it. The internet was the place where I first learned about a thing called “body positivity” - and that honestly changed my life.
It sounds soppy, but looking at the instagram feed of @bodyposipanda, watching YouTubers like Arden Rose or Rachel Whitehurst and digitally hearing so many other people of all shapes and sizes tell me that I was okay and that I deserved love - from myself, right here, right now and always - that gave me a way to treat myself way nicer than I ever had. It allowed me to realize that the “wrongs” I was seeing on my body were actually in my head and I could make them “rights” by just seeing them that way. It gave me an understanding of the fact that a lot of industries run on women hating themselves and that we are often conditioned to do exactly that. If somebody can make you feel bad about any part of yourself, they’ll be able to sell you a product to make it better. But it won’t be, because you’ll always find another thing to worry about and buy products for. The thing about beauty standards is, they are supposed to not be achievable for lots of people - and I will never look like what is presented to me all day everyday as “perfection” - genetics, bone structure and Photoshop stand in the way of that.
A lot more people know these things now, I think. We’re becoming aware of the fact that we’re being manipulated into not liking ourselves. Being aware of it doesn’t stop it from happening, though. And that’s why I celebrate every second of thinking that I’m hot. Because I’ve finally realized that I fucking am, and because it means that I’ve managed to surround myself with enough positivity to drown out all the “CAN YOU PLEASE HATE YOURSELF NOW?”-screaming that is advertisements, fitness programs and (Instagram) models.
I’d much rather love myself, thank you. I like being openly, sometimes maybe even a little over the top positive about myself. I like giving my friends compliments (sometimes rather aggressively à la “OMG LOOK AT HOW HOT YOU ARE I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE YOU LOOK SO GOOD”) because I think they’re beautiful and because I want them to know that. And I like showing other people that I have moments when I really, really like myself, when I think I look like a fucking bombshell and when I think I’m hotter than hell. Because that is what I saw other people being able to see in themselves - and it made me want that. It made me want to love myself enough to take that selfie if I thought I looked cute. It made me realize that loving yourself isn’t conceited or vain, but it’s the nicest thing you can do for yourself.
Of course, if you didn’t know all of that background story, you might look at that selfie and think that I’m a conceited asshole. It’s okay if you want to see it like that, I used to do that, too. But I know what it means to me to be able to post that selfie. It represents a beautiful moment, a moment when I loved myself instead of hating myself, and I’ll be damned if I don’t celebrate that moment loud and clear.
So yes, I think I’m hot. I don’t think saying that is conceited, I think it’s a victory. And I think you should try it, too.

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